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The Paradoxical Nature of Loneliness and Solitude |
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Once thought that loneliness was deeper than solitude. Only after falling into
loneliness did I realize that it is more difficult and exhausting to endure than
solitude. Solitude does not require endurance, as the road without end can only
be tolerated indefinitely. On the other hand, loneliness constantly torments us
to the point of exhaustion, and sinks deeper into our dreams with a deeper sigh.
Exhaustion is the weight accumulated from every sigh after waking up from a
dream, and dreams are the flowers that loneliness blooms. Loneliness flourishes,
hence there are many and frequent dreams, while exhaustion is the bitter fruit
that is born after the flowers fall.
Unknowingly, I have become accustomed to daydreaming in the shadows during the
day, and watching neon lights flicker on the streets at night. I have become
accustomed to reversing day and night, wandering like a ghost or briefly staying
in one place. I have become accustomed to the brightness of darkness, afraid
that strong light will hurt my eyes, and that my eyes will unconsciously shed
tears if they are hurt.
Once thought that solitude was more valuable than loneliness. It was only when
loneliness became deeper that I realized that what people care about more than
value is the feeling. When only a sense of emptiness remains, any value becomes
meaningless. Emptiness is a void that is felt but cannot be touched, and the
silence that emerges from this void is as cold as the winter air. Silence is
referred to as speech, and coldness is referred to as temperature. Emptiness,
this extreme contradiction, is the final feeling of loneliness.
Unknowingly, I have become accustomed to holding an umbrella and walking in the
rain, and wearing a windbreaker and walking in the wind. I have become
accustomed to letting the rain that accidentally falls under the umbrella mess
up my hair, and letting the wind that accidentally penetrates the fibers wet my
eyelashes. I have become accustomed to torturing my nerves with insomnia at
three in the morning, and my empty and hungry cells at three in the afternoon.
The intersection of insomnia and hunger is a crossroads where the cause of
getting lost infects a self-abusive mood. It is said that self-abuse is a
characteristic of the common cold in the kingdom of loneliness.
Once thought that loneliness could not defeat me. It is only in a person's
dreams that one realizes that loneliness is an addiction that cannot be kicked,
ha ha. |
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