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In that year of 1981, I was about to graduate
from university. As a prospective bachelor's
degree holder from a business school, I had
grand plans for what I would do after graduation
and how I would earn my first million. At that
time, I was full of dreams and love, and it
seemed like fate was smiling upon me. However,
deep inside, I had some uneasiness, a fear that
things might turn sour, that some misfortune
might befall me.
Soon, I started experiencing severe pain in my
lower back and was unable to urinate. I went to
the hospital for examinations and treatment,
only to find out that this was just the
beginning of a nightmare. I fell into a coma for
four or five days and when I woke up, I realized
that I had lost all sensation in my lower body
and could not move freely. To make matters
worse, I had developed urinary and bowel
incontinence, leading to many embarrassing
situations. Initially, I had great confidence
in modern medical technology, believing that
doctors would be able to cure me. But after six
months, my condition showed no improvement. One
day, the consulting doctor in the ward,
accompanied by a group of doctors, stopped by my
room and said, "Your condition is incurable. If
there's any hope for a cure, it would be a
miracle. But such miracles are rare!" With that,
he left the room without even looking back. In
an instant, my thoughts seemed to come to a
halt, and my mind went blank. I shouted, "Why
me?!" I couldn't accept the idea of being
permanently disabled. I refused to give up hope
and set out to find a miracle! Acupuncture was
popular at the time as a treatment, so I went to
Guangzhou seeking medical help. However, after
six months, the treatments proved to be
ineffective. I had no choice but to move back to
my hometown and live with my older brother,
while searching for herbal remedies.
Despite my family's efforts to seek medical help
for me, I felt my heart sinking. I knew that
recovery was hopeless, and staying in the
countryside would only be an escape from
reality. I felt like a "waste," wondering what
meaning there was in staying in this world!
I remember back in my school days, I had
contemplated the question of "life," but I
eventually gave up without finding an answer.
Now, this question was a matter of life and
death for me, and I had to find an answer. So, I
began pondering the teachings of ancient
philosophers like Confucius and Plato, and even
the words of modern thinkers like Qian Mu and
Russell. I summed it up in a phrase: the
positive meaning of life is to "burn oneself to
illuminate others!" But I was now a "waste," not
only unable to help others, but also a burden on
them. What use was I if I didn't die? That's
when I thought about suicide, to end this
miserable existence!
But what exactly is "death"? Choosing death
naturally made me curious about what would
happen after death. Hell? Heaven? I regarded
them as unverifiable claims. In the end, I
embraced the traditional Chinese belief: "Death
is like a lamp going out." At that moment, I
felt a great sense of relief. After death, there
would be "nothing" at all, and I would no longer
have to suffer in this world! However, at the
same time, I felt a sense of reluctance—I
couldn't bear the thought of disappearing from
this world, with no thoughts, no emotions, no
body... not even being remembered by anyone!
In those days of struggling with thoughts, one
evening when the weather was very cold and I
felt a bit hungry, I asked my family to cook me
a bowl of instant noodles with some vegetables
and luncheon meat. (In that area, such a bowl of
noodles was considered a luxury.) After eating,
I felt a warm and comfortable feeling in my
stomach, and I still wanted more. At that
moment, a thought suddenly occurred to me -
without life, one cannot experience this "joy of
living"!
Following that, my friends made a special trip
to the countryside to visit me, and I deeply
felt their care and love, allowing me to
appreciate the value of friendship. At that
time, I also thought that without life, there
would be no possibility of this "exchange of
life"!
There is one more thing. My girlfriend at the
time brought a bouquet of roses one evening. The
flowers hadn't bloomed yet and were
inconspicuous. She put these flowers in a vase
and placed it by my bedside. The next day, when
I opened my eyes, I saw a bunch of fully bloomed
flowers in front of me. I asked myself, where
did these colorful and splendid flowers come
from? I couldn't imagine that they were
originally insignificant "flower buds." Even a
small bud can give birth to such a brilliant
life. How precious human life is! How could I
give up on it? I suddenly realized that the
meaning of human life lies in life itself; in
other words, "the meaning of life is in life
itself."
Afterward, I decided to return to Hong Kong and
face the challenges of life. Of course, life
didn't become smooth as a result. After coming
back, my girlfriend finally left me and I had to
face gossip and unreasonable accusations from
others. However, because my perspective on life
had changed, I was able to overcome each
obstacle.
Nowadays, I have my own career and family. I
have also joined a disabled persons' group as a
volunteer, where I work with a group of
like-minded friends to "burn ourselves and
illuminate others."
Life is interesting like this. Why not live this
life to the fullest? When it comes to the end of
life, I hope I can say, "No regrets in this
lifetime!" |
